What We Leave
Sorrow is consuming. It churns the acids inside us, makes us convulse and writhe.
Grief is not a roller coaster, as they say. Roller coasters have clear patterns when you look at them. Up. Down. Upside down. Over. Backwards. Fast. Slow. Rinse. Repeat.
Grief is a wave. Up. Down. Churning. Fast. Slow. Calm. Violent. Heavy. Always winning.
Eventually, the wave captures us all. And once we think we have come to the surface, it bears down again in unexpected ways. Even when the ocean looks like glass, what is underneath is ripping and roaring. And living. And dying.
Waves in an ocean can take you by surprise. One minute you’re sailing along, then another the wave starts building and climbing until it breaks into a milky, bubbly crescendo that bleeds onto the shore. The wave changes the spaces and places it hits. No drop of water is ever the same, and neither is the shore it hits. The sand is always and ever different. Waves morph the land and sea. Grief morphs the heart and spirit.
The language surrounding waves is often violent - they crash, drive, rip, roar. They are in constant motion, swirling and creating. Waves form from wind and create friction. They live. They move. They are a literal force of nature plowing, flowing. Interestingly, waves move energy, not water. Just as quickly as waves come, they can die and burn out. Waves can be tidal, pushed and pulled from gravity and the moon. From forces we cannot see with the naked eye but know are there.
But waves are also soothing, calming, and cleansing. Over time, they can take hard surfaces and turn them into precious sea glass that is smooth to the touch, coveted, beautiful. The energy changes. It goes from violent and hard to beautiful and soft. From destructive to creative.
Death and grief have a way of following this same pattern. We might not know when it will hit us, because we cannot see the forces. It might be in a look. A place. An unexpected memory. But the gut punch comes, and we have to ride it out like an expert surfer navigating the energy ripples. Then we can return to the calm and try again when the next wave hits.
