Stay the Course
Grave markers in a line.
Sometimes we think we know our path. Stay the course. Push on. Plow forward. Keep moving until your feet give out from under you and there is nothing left to give.
Then you end up here. We all do eventually. Hopefully at a ripe old age, but that isn’t always the case for everyone. It sure wasn’t the case for me. See that stone third from the left? The short and squat one tucked between two larger ones, as if I am getting swallowed up even in death? Yup, that’s me. And it tracks.
I was always someone in life who had what I hear some kids call “supporting character energy.” They walk through the cemetery with those big muffs on their ears, and I assume they are giggling and debating books streaming through the sound systems. I had to ask some neighbors about these digital monstrosities, as we never had them in my day. We read books and listened to music the analog way. The boring, safe way some might say. A supporting character in my own story. There but not present.
Sometimes they play the volume loud enough I can catch a trickle of a story floating by. I live through these characters taking control, exerting themselves, seeking the best. I had a fine life. Did what was expected of me. Stayed in neat rows. Ended up buried in one. But as you can see, I am sinking. Fading again. Into the literal dirt and earth. Second character energy.
The rays of sunshine that poke through the order make me want to live out main character energy in death. I find being a spirit allows me freedom I never had. I make friends with my neighbors. I watch out for their living heirs, as I never had any children of my own. I travel a path I never dared to in life. I shake the leaves and bristle the stones. I listen to the audiobooks to make sure I am living out loud.
“Would I spend my life not having Sasha by my side? I felt a physical ache when she was gone. Like a piece of my soul cracked from the inside, leaving me empty. What was I doing sitting here in my boring apartment? I needed to go to her.”
The woman listening to the book turned down another row of stones, and I didn’t follow. I know how the book ended. The main character took his life into his own hands. Made it what he wanted. He would find his love. Make the grand gesture. Live authentically. Whatever rows or boxes or lines people tried to put him in stood no chance when he pushed back. I know because that was me in death. I wished it was me in life when I could have enjoyed it more.
Felt more ocean air. Kisses on my skin. Fingers twined with mine. I realize now what I missed was an all-encompassing joy that snakes into your pores and never lets go. Happiness that becomes part of you. The sunshine peeking through the stones reminds me I can still grab it now. I do not have to stay the course. I can chart my own.
